This column by ACRU Senior Fellow Robert Knight was published July 18, 2014 on The Washington Times website.

Attention, illegal-immigrant children, gang members and drug smugglers who are still pouring over the border into Texas:

If you’re looking for a place to stay while President Obama figures out a way to turn you all into welfare-dependent Democrats, I have just the place. Actually, several.

First, head for San Francisco. It’s beautiful this time of year. House Minority Leader Rep. Nancy Pelosi, California Democrat, recently proclaimed in Texas that not only was the border between Mexico and the United States meaningless (“It’s a community with a border running through it”), but that she wishes she could take all the immigrant children home with her.

Take her up on it. Show up by the thousands at her posh San Francisco home and see how she and her neighbors like what Arizona and Texas are experiencing on a daily basis.

Should Mrs. Pelosi decline to house you, head for Maryland. It’s only about 2,800 miles from Frisco, and you can take Route 50 the entire way to Ocean City. Maryland calls itself “America in Miniature,” since it has a bit of everything: seashore, mountains, major-league sports teams, farmlands, one big city (Baltimore), driver’s licenses and in-state college tuition for illegals, and a Democratic political machine that is gerrymandering the state so that no pocket of conservative resistance remains. It doesn’t call itself “The Free State” for nothing, so come get free stuff while you can.

Maryland Gov. Martin O’Malley has rolled out the welcome mat to any and all who manage to break the law and enter the United States illegally. He has even sharply rebuked the Obama administration for suggesting that maybe, perhaps, probably, sort of, the United States should shorten waits for deportation hearings.

It gave Mr. O’Malley — a presidential contender in 2016 if he can get to the left of Hillary Clinton and Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren — an opening to appear compassionate. Of course, the cost of any surge of illegal immigrants into Maryland will be borne by Maryland and federal taxpayers, not by Mr. O’Malley, unless he agrees to house them at his own place and with his own money.

There is the little matter of Mr. O’Malley’s secret request to White House domestic policy adviser Cecilia Munoz not to house illegal immigrants at a former Army Reserve Center in Westminster. How embarrassing that this got out. He has since explained that it was only because the people in that community might not be thrilled with the idea, and may harass the children or “worse.”

Another cool place to stay while the politicians decide whether America will remain a sovereign country with enforceable borders would be Bill and Hillary Clinton’s house in New York state. Both the ex-president and the ex-first lady are getting mega-fees for public speaking, and can well afford to support many new immigrants.

Just the other day, it was revealed that Mrs. Clinton pulled in $275,000 for a single speech at the University of Buffalo. Even Bubba doesn’t usually get that much unless he goes to Japan or something. I haven’t read the transcript, but you can bet that Mrs. Clinton told the 6,000-member audience some important things about ending “income inequality” and how evil the rich people are in America. Some of us were actually relieved to hear that she was doing well with speech fees, since she had told us in that interview with ABC’s Diane Sawyer that she and Bill were “dead broke” after leaving the White House in 2001.

If all else fails, and none of these housing options materialize, how about the White House? It will be available for 16 days in August while President Obama, Michelle and the girls take a summer frolic in Martha’s Vineyard at a Democratic donor’s $12 million, 8,100-square foot beachfront home that has a pool, hot tub, and basketball and tennis courts.

Andrew Jackson, first elected as president in 1828, famously let 20,000 people into the executive mansion during his inauguration in March 1829. They trashed the place. Later, in 1837, he hosted an open house featuring a 1,400-pound block of cheese, which drew thousands more. Perhaps this is where the idea of handing out tons of government cheese originated.

If there is one thing that Mr. Obama likes doing, it’s being a “man of the people” who can top previous presidents. By housing thousands of illegal immigrant children in the White House while he is playing golf in Massachusetts, Mr. Obama can claim to be more compassionate than Andrew Jackson or even Mother Teresa.

Meanwhile, thousands of desperate children from Central America are heading north, risking life and limb, lured by the pied piper’s song of amnesty that Mr. Obama has been playing so recklessly. Mr. Obama directly caused this humanitarian crisis and the existential threat to a self-governing America posed by unlimited illegal immigration. Someone should do something about it.

That’s something to think about, Mr. President, while you line up your next putt.